boys are suckers for nice underwear. long story short i used a Gap gift certificate to buy some new square-cut boxer briefs which cost 10 bucks each because i'm jumping back into the dating pool after laying out for too long and watching everyone else diving in and having fun. So i figured if i'm gonna start dating, i need new, nice underwear. So i buy some and they work like a charm.
I would think that guys just want to get you OUT of your underwear as quickly as they can but apprently some actually appreciate cute underwear and even comment on it.
who knew?
Monday, January 14, 2008
Snooze
Victim: Mickey
Blog Title: Support your local hipsters
Mickey says: (insert boring, pedantic drivel here)
Bacon Soup says: Mickey's latest post had me falling asleep in about 5 sentences. I think it was about him buying CDs at his local record store. It's a real winner. Apparently independent record stores are a dying breed and we should all support them.
Tell me something I don't know, Mickey, instead of taking up my valuable porn-downloading time with your ramblings. Apart from his use of three of my favorite words: implode, mainstream and khakis, the post is pretty much a bore. Don't bother reading it. And when you DO read it, post a really nasty comment.
Blog Title: Support your local hipsters
Mickey says: (insert boring, pedantic drivel here)
Bacon Soup says: Mickey's latest post had me falling asleep in about 5 sentences. I think it was about him buying CDs at his local record store. It's a real winner. Apparently independent record stores are a dying breed and we should all support them.
Tell me something I don't know, Mickey, instead of taking up my valuable porn-downloading time with your ramblings. Apart from his use of three of my favorite words: implode, mainstream and khakis, the post is pretty much a bore. Don't bother reading it. And when you DO read it, post a really nasty comment.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
scandalous lies
Victim: Jacob the beer-guzzling dork
Blog Title: Spawn of Stan
Jacob says: Actually it's the spawn of Keith Urban, but since I think Nicole Kidman is the source of all evil (have you actually looked into her eyes, they're portals to hell I tell you!), I prefer to refer to her child as the spawn of Satan. And since I find referring to Satan as Stan hilarious, we'll stick with Spawn of Stan as the title for this here piece.
Bacon Soup says: Let me say for the record that Jacob is one of those idiots who has NEVER met Nicole Kidman but because of the way she's portrayed by the tabloids, he hates her and thinks she's the "source of all evil" as he so eloquently puts it. Although many, many people share his feelings i'm going to go out on a limb and say that having never met her i'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she's actually probably a very nice person.
1. She agreed to enter into a sham marriage with Tom Cruise to help him disguise his homosexuality and continue to get leading roles in major films.
2. She, along with Cruise, adopted two children who by all reports have been brought up way more level-headed than other celebrity kids.
3. She has married and stuck by an australian country singer/alcoholic when she could obviously do a lot better.
4. She has exquisite skin and wears Carolina Herrera like nobody's business.
All these things lead me to believe that Miss Kidman could perhaps be a very intelligent, personable individual.
So before you jump on the "Nicole Kidman is evil bandwagon" with that fuckin' idiot Jacob simply because he posted an unflattering picture of her on his blog, please stop to consider that he might just be jealous of her beauty and celebrity.
Blog Title: Spawn of Stan
Jacob says: Actually it's the spawn of Keith Urban, but since I think Nicole Kidman is the source of all evil (have you actually looked into her eyes, they're portals to hell I tell you!), I prefer to refer to her child as the spawn of Satan. And since I find referring to Satan as Stan hilarious, we'll stick with Spawn of Stan as the title for this here piece.
Bacon Soup says: Let me say for the record that Jacob is one of those idiots who has NEVER met Nicole Kidman but because of the way she's portrayed by the tabloids, he hates her and thinks she's the "source of all evil" as he so eloquently puts it. Although many, many people share his feelings i'm going to go out on a limb and say that having never met her i'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she's actually probably a very nice person.
1. She agreed to enter into a sham marriage with Tom Cruise to help him disguise his homosexuality and continue to get leading roles in major films.
2. She, along with Cruise, adopted two children who by all reports have been brought up way more level-headed than other celebrity kids.
3. She has married and stuck by an australian country singer/alcoholic when she could obviously do a lot better.
4. She has exquisite skin and wears Carolina Herrera like nobody's business.
All these things lead me to believe that Miss Kidman could perhaps be a very intelligent, personable individual.
So before you jump on the "Nicole Kidman is evil bandwagon" with that fuckin' idiot Jacob simply because he posted an unflattering picture of her on his blog, please stop to consider that he might just be jealous of her beauty and celebrity.
Monday, January 7, 2008
the bitch is crazy
Victim: Courtney
Blog title: Playing Hookey
Courtney says:
Angel: Get up! You're okay, just a little sniffly.
Devil: Dude, stay in bed. You're sick.
Angel: But you have to print out time sheets!Devil: Screw the time sheets! You can stay in your pajamas and watch The Office on DVD all day!Angel: What if someone finds out you're not really all that sick?
Devil: Who cares? You hate your job anyway! And you have like 100 hours of sick time built up that will just disappear after you quit anyway!
Angel: Fine. At least try to sound congested when you call in.
Bacon Soup: In the latest installment of "things courtney says that make me wanna slit my wrist," she details a conversation between her "Angel" and her "Devil." In what appears to be a delusional episode by someone who clearly is suffering from multiple personality disorder, Courtney details the moral quandry she experiences after calling in sick to work. And she doesn't even paraphrase either. She gives us word-for-word transcript of the alleged conversation by two voices she's hearing in her head.
Listen Sybill, the next time you regale us with a quoted conversation by imaginary voices, at least make it more exciting and dramatic. Why can't your voices tell you to do more intersting things like burn shit or kill people?
Blog title: Playing Hookey
Courtney says:
Angel: Get up! You're okay, just a little sniffly.
Devil: Dude, stay in bed. You're sick.
Angel: But you have to print out time sheets!Devil: Screw the time sheets! You can stay in your pajamas and watch The Office on DVD all day!Angel: What if someone finds out you're not really all that sick?
Devil: Who cares? You hate your job anyway! And you have like 100 hours of sick time built up that will just disappear after you quit anyway!
Angel: Fine. At least try to sound congested when you call in.
Bacon Soup: In the latest installment of "things courtney says that make me wanna slit my wrist," she details a conversation between her "Angel" and her "Devil." In what appears to be a delusional episode by someone who clearly is suffering from multiple personality disorder, Courtney details the moral quandry she experiences after calling in sick to work. And she doesn't even paraphrase either. She gives us word-for-word transcript of the alleged conversation by two voices she's hearing in her head.
Listen Sybill, the next time you regale us with a quoted conversation by imaginary voices, at least make it more exciting and dramatic. Why can't your voices tell you to do more intersting things like burn shit or kill people?
Chris and Kiki has a nice ring to it
Victim: Meaghan
Blog Title: Oh Christopher!
meaghan says: Over the past few months of blogging, I have noticed a pattern in the friends my husband acquired in college who now keep up with him through the blogosphere. I believe they may all want to bed him.
Bacon soup says: First of all Meaghan, as incredulous as you may be at hearing this, not everyone wants to "bed" your husband. I think Chris is a cool guy but i don't know that i wanna actually have sex with him. I mean sure i'll make out with him and maybe allow a little over the sweater action but that's as far as it'll go.
Anyway, after this opening paragraph, Meaghan proceeds to complain about the fact that Chris' dork friends are demanding more posts from him. So she tries to warn them that if they don't stop, Chris will get a big head and she'll be forced to take him down a notch through verbal abuse. I personally think Meaghan is just jealous that the world is clamoring for more posts by Chris Marr. Deal with it Meaghan. You just can't handle the fact that Chris is more successful than you are. Let's face it. In every relationship, there are always those people who's light shines a little more brightly than their partner's. Bacon Soup's advice to Mrs. Marr? Hitch your wagon to Chris' star and ride it out. Bask in his reflected glory for as long as you can until - months from now when he's a blogging celebrity and giddy with E-fame - he goes through a midlife crisis, buys a Beamer and dumps you for a trophy wife named Kiki.
Blog Title: Oh Christopher!
meaghan says: Over the past few months of blogging, I have noticed a pattern in the friends my husband acquired in college who now keep up with him through the blogosphere. I believe they may all want to bed him.
Bacon soup says: First of all Meaghan, as incredulous as you may be at hearing this, not everyone wants to "bed" your husband. I think Chris is a cool guy but i don't know that i wanna actually have sex with him. I mean sure i'll make out with him and maybe allow a little over the sweater action but that's as far as it'll go.
Anyway, after this opening paragraph, Meaghan proceeds to complain about the fact that Chris' dork friends are demanding more posts from him. So she tries to warn them that if they don't stop, Chris will get a big head and she'll be forced to take him down a notch through verbal abuse. I personally think Meaghan is just jealous that the world is clamoring for more posts by Chris Marr. Deal with it Meaghan. You just can't handle the fact that Chris is more successful than you are. Let's face it. In every relationship, there are always those people who's light shines a little more brightly than their partner's. Bacon Soup's advice to Mrs. Marr? Hitch your wagon to Chris' star and ride it out. Bask in his reflected glory for as long as you can until - months from now when he's a blogging celebrity and giddy with E-fame - he goes through a midlife crisis, buys a Beamer and dumps you for a trophy wife named Kiki.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Learn to cook by listening to Jacob
Victim: Jacob
Blog title(s): How to Cook Part I and II
Bacon Soup says: Fountain-of-all-knowledge-Jacob has once again regaled us with a deluge of pointless information. This time it's about how YOU can cook like HIM. And let me tell you, forget what you know about eggs cause Jacob rewrites the cookbook on them.
Not only does he take pictuers of his "creations" ... and by creations i mean fried eggs.... but he also compares the eggs he gets from HIS chickens to the ones sold at the grocery store. It's VERY exciting.
The highlight of the blog is a series of wonderful pictures, my favorite of which is what your eggs are supposed to look like after you cook them. Needless to say they look like shit. I can't believe Jacob puts that stuff into his body. Oh well, to each his own.
Bon Appetit y'all!!!!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
discrediting courtney's resolutions
Victim: Conformity Courtney
Blog Title: The Requisite Resolutions Post
Little Courtney has gone out on a limb and followed millions upon millions of people worldwide who make a list of new year's resolutions. In this post i will attempt to discredit all of them and show Courtney that she should be like me and wallow in listlessness, sloth and gluttony for the coming year, abandoning all hope of actually improving one's station in life.
1. Exercise more - oh God, here we go. Yet another resolution to stay healthy and fit. For ONCE i'd like someone to be honest and say "you know what? i'm going to eat like a pig this year, disregard my figure and general health and pretty much just let myself go. Then, if there's a big event i have to look presentable for, i'll just make myself throw up." WELL THAT's MY RESOLUTION.
2. Get into the Ph.D. program at UT - Education is for losers. Look where a master's degree got me? Fuck school. You've got a pretty face, a nice rack and an ass that would make a long distance truck driver cry in his panties. Do you know how much money you could be making at the Kitty Kat Club? Not to mention tips from working the VIP room. Just think about it.
3. Learn a foreign language - Here's a tip Courtney, you're in America. We speak AMERICAN. If Manuel and Pablo can't communicate with you that's THEIR problem, not yours. And if that lack of ability to communicate with your landscapers makes you feel guilty. just call immigration. Those two will be on the next Air Guacamole flight back to Cucarachaville before you can say "These colors don't run." Problem solved. Comprende?
4. Keep the blog momentum going - yes. For the love of God, please keep the blog going. We wouldn't want Mickey to have a fuckin' anxiety attack because his favorite blogs aren't updated every 14 minutes.
5. Do some charitable and/or volunteer work at least once - Who are you? Mother Teresa? I say let the poor and homeless die. It's God's way of thinning out the herd. They serve no purpose in our society ... not unlike orphans and the gays.
6. Get rid of the toxic cleaning products in my house forever - get rid of toxic cleaning products? but what are you going put in the warm milk when the stray kittens come around the house? or in mickey's soup when you decide that because of that new life insurance policy he took out, he's worth more to you dead than alive? I'm just saying....
Blog Title: The Requisite Resolutions Post
Little Courtney has gone out on a limb and followed millions upon millions of people worldwide who make a list of new year's resolutions. In this post i will attempt to discredit all of them and show Courtney that she should be like me and wallow in listlessness, sloth and gluttony for the coming year, abandoning all hope of actually improving one's station in life.
1. Exercise more - oh God, here we go. Yet another resolution to stay healthy and fit. For ONCE i'd like someone to be honest and say "you know what? i'm going to eat like a pig this year, disregard my figure and general health and pretty much just let myself go. Then, if there's a big event i have to look presentable for, i'll just make myself throw up." WELL THAT's MY RESOLUTION.
2. Get into the Ph.D. program at UT - Education is for losers. Look where a master's degree got me? Fuck school. You've got a pretty face, a nice rack and an ass that would make a long distance truck driver cry in his panties. Do you know how much money you could be making at the Kitty Kat Club? Not to mention tips from working the VIP room. Just think about it.
3. Learn a foreign language - Here's a tip Courtney, you're in America. We speak AMERICAN. If Manuel and Pablo can't communicate with you that's THEIR problem, not yours. And if that lack of ability to communicate with your landscapers makes you feel guilty. just call immigration. Those two will be on the next Air Guacamole flight back to Cucarachaville before you can say "These colors don't run." Problem solved. Comprende?
4. Keep the blog momentum going - yes. For the love of God, please keep the blog going. We wouldn't want Mickey to have a fuckin' anxiety attack because his favorite blogs aren't updated every 14 minutes.
5. Do some charitable and/or volunteer work at least once - Who are you? Mother Teresa? I say let the poor and homeless die. It's God's way of thinning out the herd. They serve no purpose in our society ... not unlike orphans and the gays.
6. Get rid of the toxic cleaning products in my house forever - get rid of toxic cleaning products? but what are you going put in the warm milk when the stray kittens come around the house? or in mickey's soup when you decide that because of that new life insurance policy he took out, he's worth more to you dead than alive? I'm just saying....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
