Someone stop him

Victim: Jacob the pompous windbag
Blog Title: doesn't really matter
Jacob says: blah blah blah blah blah blah beer blah blah blah blah Madagascar hissing cockroach blah blah blah blah blah who gives a fuck what the hell i think blah blah blah bacon soup totally rocks blah blah blah

Bacon Soup says: Jacob has way too much fuckin' time on his hands. We at Bacon Soup would like to read all the blogs we critique but Jacob's is just TOO FUCKIN' LONG. So Bacon Soup readers are encouraged to leave hateful comments on his site until he keeps his posts down to 50,000 words or less.

celeb encounter

Our friend Mike is a reporter in South Carolina and recently had to cover a Trace Adkins concert. He said the "Lonely Won't Leave Me Alone" singer and current Celebrity Apprentice contestant is a total "douche" and that he's very tall but skinny and his hair is long and grisly. Apparently he was very dismissive of our friend and did not endear himself to those allowed backstage to meet him.

Bacon Soup was very disappointed at this report from our credible source, especially since Trace is just the kind of guy we like at Bacon Soup. He's big and tall, wears a cowboy hat, drives a truck and looks like he can be a little rough in bed.

C'est la vie.

Like it or not, La Bacon is back

Bacon Soup is back. After a much-needed sojourn we have decided that we will not let our hatred for Mickey the Homophobic Bigot stop us from blogging. And now we don't care who we piss off. The purpose of Bacon Soup IS to piss people off so suck it up bitches.

And apparently while we were on sabbatical, you losers were typing up a fuckin' storm.

So here we go:

Victim: Mickey the homophobic bigot
Blog title: My girlfriend loves you more than me, but otherwise it was a good weekend
Mickey says: And Wii we did. Once our right arms were about to fall off, Courtney and I created bizarro Miis and played everything left-handed, the result being that now we each have a case of double Wii-arm. The really bad news is that I'm looking forward to going home and playing some more.

Bacon Soup says: When we left off months ago I believe the highlight of Mickey and Courtney's life was Wii. Now, months later it seems that the highlight of their otherwise uneventful lives is still Wii... albeit left-handed wii. Can someone just put these two out of their collective misery? We can either shoot them both or have Courtney have to sit and read 3 of Mickey's posts in a row. When she kills herself because of boredom then he will blame his colorless writing and hopefully take his own life which is pretty much in the shitter anyway.


Victim: Jacob the beer guzzling dork
Blog title: A Live Blog About a Live Blog

Bacon Soup says: You have got to be fuckin' kidding me. He's updating his blog every few minutes now? I think i would rather read Mickey the homophobic bigot's hate-filled drivel than a minute-by-minute update of jacob's wretched existence. But, whatever you need to fill the time between jerking off and cooking some fucked-up looking eggs is your own business i guess.

Victims: Meaghan and Chris
Blog title: What A Day
Meaghan says: Chris was outside working on the door he built for the crawl space. I helped a bit but ended up spending most of the day baby sitting the dogs.

Bacon Soup says: Wow. and i thought mountain-bitch mickey and just-discovered-video-game-technology Courtney had boring lives. But at least Meaghan and Chris are doing something constructive to their home. So i guess i can't be too hard on them. Although i don't know if the subject matter warranted a blog.

Victim: Loree .... and Mickey the homophic bigot by extension
Blog Title: I'm in the mood to gripe

Bacon Soup says: so what else is new? Let's see something mildly interesting on this blog for a change, Stark. Sure the renaming of frogs was a thrilling post by your co-blogger Laura. And how could we not swoon at your discovery of a Zappo's outlet in Shepherdsville, Kentucky. But spice it up a bit. Where's the sex? where's the scandal? You need to check out my former friend Mickey the Homophobic Bigot's blog. That's an example of what you DON'T want yours to look like. That fuckin' hate monger's stream-of-consciousness posts are ridiculously boring.

Lady in Red

Turning to fashion for a minute, Bacon Soup was pleasantly surprised to see a very elegant roundup of celebs on people.com in a rich recap called "Oscar's Most Iconic Red Dresses" in which they listed a few of the most beautiful and fashion-forward red frocks to grace the Oscar red carpet.

Though she has her detractors among Bacon Soupers, I have always thought that Nicole Kidman has impeccable posture (some of you may know that poor posture is a pet peeve of mine) and luminous skin which allow her to wear colorful gowns with long, lean silhouettes and make them look fantastic.

The photo of her to the right should bear the caption "Ladies and Gentlemen, THIS is how you wear a red dress." Her posture and poise really accentuate the beautiful lines of this Balenciaga gown.

Kidman is joined in the list by the likes of the lovely and talented Catherine Zeta-Jones (my personal favorite) who is the only celeb to make the list TWICE, both times in Versace. We also see a statuesque Kate Winslet and even surprise appearances by Minnie Driver and Sigourney Weaver.

Sadly, fashion MISTAKE Sandra Oh (whom i detest) also makes the list proving that the right stylist and publicist can make anyone look good. Even her.

Check out the photos at http://www.people.com/people/package/gallery/0,,20173526_20172732,00.html

Chris and the novel idea of a regular guy becoming president

Victim: Chris
Bog Title: If i were president

Bacon Soup says: Chris, the radical thinker that he is, has composed a post in which he considers what HE would do if he were president. How have none of US ever thought about that? In this revolutionary post, Mr. Marr cites some very important issues HE would address as Commander in Chief.

The first is THE ENVIRONMENT. Well fuck me. Why did no one EVER think about the environment before? Someone get Chris on the ballot. The man's got vision.

Then, in a statement powerful enough be considered the current-day Gettysburgh Address, the eloquent Mr. Marr says: "I suppose we've got to do something about health care."

The Environment AND Healthcare? Wow. It's like Chris is reading the minds of every American.... IN 1982 when these issues first started becoming the platform of EVERY POLITICAL CANDIDATE.

Chris, are you going to be at Ford's Theater or driving through Dallas in an open motorcade anytime soon? Just asking.

Scott and John.... where did we go wrong?

Hey Bacon Soupers, a couple tragic notes of interest. The first is that Scott Speedman, they guy who ushered me into adulthood from his perch as Ben on the hit WB show Felicity (on whose episodes i based all major life decisions for 2 years), is reportedly dating Cameron Diaz. We at Bacon Soup are extremely disappointed by this. We are not big fans of Cameron and hope that this is merely a publicity stunt for Speedman who can do WAAAAAY better.

I'm assuming Loree is the only person reading this that has any interest in Scott. She shared my affinity for him. For those of you who aren't aware, Speedman, a 33-year-old English-born Canadian actor is best known for his role as the soft-spoken and gentle Ben Covington on the coming-of-age television drama Felicity (also starring one Miss Kerri Russell). For those of you interested in Scott's current work (again, probably only me and Loree), his next film "Adoration" is in post.

Also on a sad note, John Edwards is expected to drop out of the presidential race today. I have been an Edwards enthusiast since college and would have liked to see what an administration under his leadership would have been capable of.

Your thoughts......

The brains behind the bush

If you thought our illustrious president, George W. Bush was a bungling idiot with the intelligence of a moderately trained chimpanzee. You're wrong.

All those 'bushisms' people make fun of are actually well thought-out speeches....