You'd think that with all my other physical defects, that the gods of aesthetic beauty would at the very least grant me save passage through adulthood without the fear of acne.
But no.... I woke up this morning and what do i see, but two HIDEOUS pimples on the left side of my face. I have named them Liezel and Pontoof. And they are to be my companions for as long as fate deems necessary.
At the ripe old age of 22, you'd think that my acne days would have been long gone. But NOOOOOOO, not me.
Once again I reiterate my suggestion that ONLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE be allowed to get acne. They have so much going for them that even acne wouldn't be that much of a hindrance. For people like me, however, adult acne is just another cosmic kick in the gut.
Can i get an amen?
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Meaghan is on the warpath. And she kicks ass .... allegedly
Victim: Meaghan
Blog Title: Party or Poo?
Meaghan says: While eating, I looked around and discovered the decor of the apartment was extremely original and pretty cool and told the host this. After eating, we played a holiday game of Win, Lose or Draw - a game where I kick ass ...
Bacon Soup says: Man, Meaghan sure doesn't beat around the bush when it comes to extolling her own virtues. Even I don't say "I kick ass." I mean, i'm kind of a big deal, but to say "I kick ass" is a little much for me.
And Meaghan's blog, Party or Poo, is MUST READ. She details a party thrown by Ryan on Saturday night. And while she tries to use general pronouns and vague descriptions of people to avoid saying their real names, it's pretty clear that the host is Ryan, The Bohemian is Tricia (ryan's girlfriend), her former boss is Charlotte and the drunken fool yelling out wrong answers is Mike Colombo. Her blog is pretty much a thinly veiled "Fuck You" to many of the party-goers...... delicious!!!!!
Blog Title: Party or Poo?
Meaghan says: While eating, I looked around and discovered the decor of the apartment was extremely original and pretty cool and told the host this. After eating, we played a holiday game of Win, Lose or Draw - a game where I kick ass ...
Bacon Soup says: Man, Meaghan sure doesn't beat around the bush when it comes to extolling her own virtues. Even I don't say "I kick ass." I mean, i'm kind of a big deal, but to say "I kick ass" is a little much for me.
And Meaghan's blog, Party or Poo, is MUST READ. She details a party thrown by Ryan on Saturday night. And while she tries to use general pronouns and vague descriptions of people to avoid saying their real names, it's pretty clear that the host is Ryan, The Bohemian is Tricia (ryan's girlfriend), her former boss is Charlotte and the drunken fool yelling out wrong answers is Mike Colombo. Her blog is pretty much a thinly veiled "Fuck You" to many of the party-goers...... delicious!!!!!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Jacob has lost it. And why does Loree force me to mock her?
Victim: Jacob
Blog title: God's Promise
Jacob says: I'm going to win the lottery tomorrow. I'm sure God told me this while I was sitting in the dark with my door closed ...
Bacon Soup says: Now i am by no means an authority on our Lord and Savior. I don't purport to know his thoughts and whereabouts. But if i was to speculate as to the activities of the Messiah, i'm sure i could come up with a few things he'd be doing rather than visiting Jacob Johnston between classes. But who am i to say that the Holy Spirit does not frequent whatever middle school at which Jacob is employed? He or She has been known to appear in unusual places. So let's assume Jacob is telling the truth that he was visited by God. Apparently instead of revealing some great universal truth or warning him of the error of his ways or condemning his sinful lifestyle or perhaps even foretelling an impending apocalypse, God chooses instead to use this unique opportunity to let Jacob know that he's going to win the lottery.
Having said that, if you DO win the lottery Jacob, please remember that I have ALWAYS been fond of you and your wife Kate and your offspring (whose name escapes me at the moment). And i have always said to people that you are nothing if not generous. In fact, your generosity is surpassed only by your love of the indigenous people of the Americas of which i am descended.
Victim: Loree
Blog Title: A Museum After my own Heart
Loree says: ...but few of you know that my fascination about the J.F.K. assassination was once so strong that when I was 10 years old, my school sent me to the regional 4-H speech competition with a speech—a very compelling speech— I had written outlining the various conspiracy theories surrounding J.F.K.’s death.
Bacon Soup says: you know Loree, I really don't want to use this stuff against you. but you just HAND it to me. 10 years old and you're at a regional 4-H speech competition in which you outine the various JFK conspiracy theories. Frankly, i don't know what to say. I just give up.
Blog title: God's Promise
Jacob says: I'm going to win the lottery tomorrow. I'm sure God told me this while I was sitting in the dark with my door closed ...
Bacon Soup says: Now i am by no means an authority on our Lord and Savior. I don't purport to know his thoughts and whereabouts. But if i was to speculate as to the activities of the Messiah, i'm sure i could come up with a few things he'd be doing rather than visiting Jacob Johnston between classes. But who am i to say that the Holy Spirit does not frequent whatever middle school at which Jacob is employed? He or She has been known to appear in unusual places. So let's assume Jacob is telling the truth that he was visited by God. Apparently instead of revealing some great universal truth or warning him of the error of his ways or condemning his sinful lifestyle or perhaps even foretelling an impending apocalypse, God chooses instead to use this unique opportunity to let Jacob know that he's going to win the lottery.
Having said that, if you DO win the lottery Jacob, please remember that I have ALWAYS been fond of you and your wife Kate and your offspring (whose name escapes me at the moment). And i have always said to people that you are nothing if not generous. In fact, your generosity is surpassed only by your love of the indigenous people of the Americas of which i am descended.
Victim: Loree
Blog Title: A Museum After my own Heart
Loree says: ...but few of you know that my fascination about the J.F.K. assassination was once so strong that when I was 10 years old, my school sent me to the regional 4-H speech competition with a speech—a very compelling speech— I had written outlining the various conspiracy theories surrounding J.F.K.’s death.
Bacon Soup says: you know Loree, I really don't want to use this stuff against you. but you just HAND it to me. 10 years old and you're at a regional 4-H speech competition in which you outine the various JFK conspiracy theories. Frankly, i don't know what to say. I just give up.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Ice Bears totally kick ass
so i went to see The Golden Compass this weekend ONLY because i liked the parts in the trailer where the polar bears fight.
Well i wasn't disappointed. If you haven't seen it yet i won't give anything away except to say that if for no other reason, you need to go see the Ice Bears (as they're called) in The Golden Compass. They wear massive armors and fight great battles. and they have their own kingdom called Svalbard. sweet.
Sir Ian McKellan provides the voice for Jorek, an ice bear who is featured prominently in the film.
So if you have some free time and few extra bucks, try to catch this cool little movie.
Aside from the ice bears who are the REAL stars of this movie, the film also features a very statuesque Nikki Kidman as well as Daniel Craig who's also easy on the eyes.
Two thumbs up says Bacon Soup.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Debbie Downer Stark.... and why i encourage self mutilation
Victim: Loree S.
Blog Title: Getting Into The Holiday Spirit
Loree says: What I dislike: the expectations. I feel like the holidays are so romanticized by everyone—including America’s biggest retailers—that we have come to expect it to be this magical, warm, happy, fuzzy time where everything is perfect and the sky is filled with marshmallow clouds. I don’t like the pressure. So I get bummed out pretty easily during the holidays, probably because I’m thinking about how I’m supposed have an ecstasy-like high during this time period, when I really just feel like I do the rest of the year. Except busier. And more full.
Bacon Soup says: man, and i thought I was dark and depressing. Loree somehow finds a way to brood over the last bastion of good will - the holidays - when, like she says, we're sort of expected to be a little more cheery and we TRY to be a little better to those around us and when we TRY to remember to treasure those we care about. I for one try to be a little less of an asshole around the holidays. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm still a heartless, unfeeling cyborg but i might kick an orphan with a little less zeal or i might smile at a homeless person when i eat a large side of flavorful ham in front of him, or i might be a little more compassionate when i'm flaunting my virginity in front of a rape victim ... you know, little things like that.
But i do empathize with Loree's feelings of being super busy and super full around the holidays. Thankfully i've borrowed a little trick from my good friend Annie...... Annie Rexic. Try binging and purging around the holidays. It works really well if you've got two families to visit at Thanksgiving or Christmas but you don't wanna eat too much at either because you don't wanna feel like a pig. Well if you gorge yourself then throw it all up a little later, you're able to eat EVERYONE's food so you don't disappoint them, but you also make room so you can pack more in. Everyone wins.
Also, i've found that cutting oneself really works when you're trying to get rid of those holiday blues. The beautiful crimson flowing out of your body takes all the negative feelings away with it. Just do it somewhere that won't leave unsightly and easily visible scars.
Happy Holidays kids
Blog Title: Getting Into The Holiday Spirit
Loree says: What I dislike: the expectations. I feel like the holidays are so romanticized by everyone—including America’s biggest retailers—that we have come to expect it to be this magical, warm, happy, fuzzy time where everything is perfect and the sky is filled with marshmallow clouds. I don’t like the pressure. So I get bummed out pretty easily during the holidays, probably because I’m thinking about how I’m supposed have an ecstasy-like high during this time period, when I really just feel like I do the rest of the year. Except busier. And more full.
Bacon Soup says: man, and i thought I was dark and depressing. Loree somehow finds a way to brood over the last bastion of good will - the holidays - when, like she says, we're sort of expected to be a little more cheery and we TRY to be a little better to those around us and when we TRY to remember to treasure those we care about. I for one try to be a little less of an asshole around the holidays. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm still a heartless, unfeeling cyborg but i might kick an orphan with a little less zeal or i might smile at a homeless person when i eat a large side of flavorful ham in front of him, or i might be a little more compassionate when i'm flaunting my virginity in front of a rape victim ... you know, little things like that.
But i do empathize with Loree's feelings of being super busy and super full around the holidays. Thankfully i've borrowed a little trick from my good friend Annie...... Annie Rexic. Try binging and purging around the holidays. It works really well if you've got two families to visit at Thanksgiving or Christmas but you don't wanna eat too much at either because you don't wanna feel like a pig. Well if you gorge yourself then throw it all up a little later, you're able to eat EVERYONE's food so you don't disappoint them, but you also make room so you can pack more in. Everyone wins.
Also, i've found that cutting oneself really works when you're trying to get rid of those holiday blues. The beautiful crimson flowing out of your body takes all the negative feelings away with it. Just do it somewhere that won't leave unsightly and easily visible scars.
Happy Holidays kids
Monday, December 3, 2007
Funny quotes of the day
Victims: Chris, Courtney and Meaghan
Chris says: Bear with me while I channel my inner Michael Jackson. What? Why are you laughing? Yes, I do have an inner Michael, and I don't mean that I like little boys or plastic noses. I mean: I'm starting with the man in the mirror.
Bacon Soup say: When CHRIS MARR reveals he has an inner Jack-o, that's when the world cries.
Courtney says: Although I have never lived on Sesame Street...
Bacon Soup says: No thought, sentence or phrase with ANY literary, artistic or academic merit has EVER began with "Although I have never lived on Sesame Street..."
Meaghan says: In a VERY perfect world, there would be no cheerleaders. There would be no social classes, just people. No one would have to wear glasses unless they just wanted to. The high school band would get credit for being able to memorize formations, march keeping the ass tight and the feet up, memorizing three to four songs and being able to play all those songs well while ALWAYS facing the crowd and not running into each other.
Bacon Soup says: Meaghan clearly has an anti-cheerleader agenda. Bacon Soup's resident psychoterapist, Hank, says if one was so inclined, one would assume that she longed desperately to be as popular as the cheerleaders but the closest she got to them was to stand NEAR them as part of the band. She played trumpet, by the way.
Chris says: Bear with me while I channel my inner Michael Jackson. What? Why are you laughing? Yes, I do have an inner Michael, and I don't mean that I like little boys or plastic noses. I mean: I'm starting with the man in the mirror.
Bacon Soup say: When CHRIS MARR reveals he has an inner Jack-o, that's when the world cries.
Courtney says: Although I have never lived on Sesame Street...
Bacon Soup says: No thought, sentence or phrase with ANY literary, artistic or academic merit has EVER began with "Although I have never lived on Sesame Street..."
Meaghan says: In a VERY perfect world, there would be no cheerleaders. There would be no social classes, just people. No one would have to wear glasses unless they just wanted to. The high school band would get credit for being able to memorize formations, march keeping the ass tight and the feet up, memorizing three to four songs and being able to play all those songs well while ALWAYS facing the crowd and not running into each other.
Bacon Soup says: Meaghan clearly has an anti-cheerleader agenda. Bacon Soup's resident psychoterapist, Hank, says if one was so inclined, one would assume that she longed desperately to be as popular as the cheerleaders but the closest she got to them was to stand NEAR them as part of the band. She played trumpet, by the way.
Ryan's gun ... and that's not a euphemism
Victim: Ryan S.
Bacon Soup says: Isn't it odd that although my goal in life is to make Ryan's life completely miserable, this is the FIRST time he's been a victim on Bacon Soup?
Anywho.... so we're all aware that our intrepid photographer idolizes Neil Bortz and will extoll the virtues of Libertarianism at the drop of hat. Well, in keeping with his fluctuating political beliefs, Ryan has purchased - "for his protection"- an AR15 air-cooled, magazine fed, autoloading, centerfire assault rifle. Yes, the photo above is of Ryan's "peace of mind."
Now before you get on your high horse and tell ryan that close to 50,000 Americans die each year from gunfire and that an alarming percentage of that number is CHILDREN, please listen to his reason for attending the gun show in Atlanta this weekend and spending an amount he REFUSES to divulge on his new weapon.
He says that he is certain that in the coming year an event "just like Katrina" will occur. And his first line of defense is this gun.
I don't know whether i'm sad that my friend thinks this way or that he's among millions of Americans who think the exact same thing.
IF bacon soup had a heart...... it would be broken :(
And if you thought this couldn't get any better: I'm so glad I have witnesses for this part cause believe me, I COULD NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP. So at lunch today i was telling Chris Marr and Meaghan about the gun. Ryan was there and was explaining his reasons for purchasing his new weapon (each of which i pretty much made fun of, which i suppose is a bit unfair since Ryan honestly believes that he may one day need to blow a hole into a person or zombie trying to attack him). Anyway, so we were discussing gun control in general, with all of us giving anecdotes or experiences, when i said "but Ryan, even if there was a REMOTE possibility that someone tried to break into your home, i could at the most see myself purchasing a tazer. But I'd even say a small handgun might be necessary in some cases. But that's only with the proper training. Do YOU have any kind of weapon safety training for this assault rifle?"
To which Ryan responded - totally seriously (and Chris and Meaghan can attest to this)......
"Well I've got a merit badge from Scouts."
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