Victim: Conformity Courtney
Blog Title: The Requisite Resolutions Post
Little Courtney has gone out on a limb and followed millions upon millions of people worldwide who make a list of new year's resolutions. In this post i will attempt to discredit all of them and show Courtney that she should be like me and wallow in listlessness, sloth and gluttony for the coming year, abandoning all hope of actually improving one's station in life.
1. Exercise more - oh God, here we go. Yet another resolution to stay healthy and fit. For ONCE i'd like someone to be honest and say "you know what? i'm going to eat like a pig this year, disregard my figure and general health and pretty much just let myself go. Then, if there's a big event i have to look presentable for, i'll just make myself throw up." WELL THAT's MY RESOLUTION.
2. Get into the Ph.D. program at UT - Education is for losers. Look where a master's degree got me? Fuck school. You've got a pretty face, a nice rack and an ass that would make a long distance truck driver cry in his panties. Do you know how much money you could be making at the Kitty Kat Club? Not to mention tips from working the VIP room. Just think about it.
3. Learn a foreign language - Here's a tip Courtney, you're in America. We speak AMERICAN. If Manuel and Pablo can't communicate with you that's THEIR problem, not yours. And if that lack of ability to communicate with your landscapers makes you feel guilty. just call immigration. Those two will be on the next Air Guacamole flight back to Cucarachaville before you can say "These colors don't run." Problem solved. Comprende?
4. Keep the blog momentum going - yes. For the love of God, please keep the blog going. We wouldn't want Mickey to have a fuckin' anxiety attack because his favorite blogs aren't updated every 14 minutes.
5. Do some charitable and/or volunteer work at least once - Who are you? Mother Teresa? I say let the poor and homeless die. It's God's way of thinning out the herd. They serve no purpose in our society ... not unlike orphans and the gays.
6. Get rid of the toxic cleaning products in my house forever - get rid of toxic cleaning products? but what are you going put in the warm milk when the stray kittens come around the house? or in mickey's soup when you decide that because of that new life insurance policy he took out, he's worth more to you dead than alive? I'm just saying....
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7 comments:
Now that's some quality ridiculing! A pretty face, a nice rack and an ass that would make a long distance truck driver cry in his panties? Wow, um, I honestly don't know what to say to that. And you're not the first one to tell me to take up stripping as a career (*cough*Jacob*cough*).
Yeah, that post was pretty much begging to be made fun of. I knew you could do it, Severo.
That is the funniest damn post yet, Severo! Bravo!
And if it makes you feel better, I'm married so I'll just let myself go like millions of other wives. Screw the gym! Bring on the bacon!
The world does need more college-educated strippers. I mean, what's a guy to do if he's into witty banter during his lap dances? It's hard to find these days.
Severo! You're back!
This is what Bacon Soup is all about. Now STAY FOCUSED!
i will try, master splinter
Although Courtney, I was commenting on the fact that being a dancer is rather pointless unless you're doing so naked in front of men clamoring to give you mad money for being naked.
I don't dance, therefore I'd make a crappy exotic dancer. You do dance and therefore would be an exotic dancer if you just took your clothes off for money while doing so.
And it is good money.
Yeah Jacob, your inability to dance is the reason you couldn't be an exotic dancer...
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