Shake it but don't break it

Bacon Soup has uncovered RARE footage of the little known Breakdance trio "Flex Appeal" during their heyday in the early 90s. Although they were relatively unknown in the home base of Northwest Georgia, the group enjoyed massive popularity in the dancehalls and dicoteques of Europe and progressive Asia.....

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Legally Blonde?

Another milestone for Bacon Soup's social cirle. Our friend Sonya who worked with us at the paper, then went into sales, has taken the LSAT and has applied to LAW SCHOOL at - among other places - Georgia State and UGA.

Mayjah!!!!!!!

Sonya is the sweetest girl in the world BUT I was once talking out loud about Transfiguration Episcopal Church in Rome and said "What exactly does TRANSFIGURATION mean? and Sonji said "Like in Harry Potter?"

Yup, that's our Sonji.

We wish her the best of luck in law school. Although her former career aspirations included being a trophy wife, we're sure she'll succeed ...... or suck something.

Happy Birthday sheep fucker

Our friend Mike is officially an old man. He turned 30 today, much to our amusement. He is older than Bacon Soup and it shows.

Since he will never read this we can say that he is a very very funny guy, extremely intelligent and one of our favorite people EVER!!!

Mike is from Scotland (undoubtably our favorite place in the world) but lives in South Carolina with his wife, a gay son and and baby daughter.

He is freakishly tall and a large barge of a man. We love him and hope that he continues to age horribly so that next to him we look youthful and elfin :)

Movin' out

Mayjah news Bacon Soupers,

Bacon Soup Inc. is moving to a bigger office space. We've outgrown our current surroundings. Actually, our roomate, Steven is getting married unfortunately so we have to move and even though we've tried tirelessly to break up he and his fiance Heather, it aint looking good... something about "love" and "undying commitment" or some sappy shit like that.

Soooooo we're leaving our beautiful woodvalley terrace home, complete with fireplace, quiet neighbors, swimming pool and creek running through the back yard and moving into a very "glamorous" one-bedroom apartment in the gated Arbor Terrace community. Bacon Soup will be eating humble pie ya'll cause this place is very un-Bacon Soup

But it's all we can afford (blogging pays very little) and we're trying to make the most of it. Hopefully when we throw our next soire it will be presentable enough for polite company. At the moment we have no furniture cause we got rid of everything when we moved in with Steven.

Things YOU should be thankful for today:
1. You're not Bacon Soup
2. Your home/residence has laundry facilities
3. You've got a couch

a sweet tale of love and sacrifice.... BARF

Victim: Mickey the homophobic bigot

Blog title: It could've been anywhere, really

Mickey says: Version 1: I (the protagonist, because this is my blog) decided in January 2004 to go with Courtney to Kentucky when she got a job at a newspaper there as a reporter. Having been completely listless and barely employed since my college graduation two years before, I figured "What the shit? I love her and I've got nothing else going on." So we moved in together two states from our previous Georgia homes.

Bacon Soup says: In this thrilling installment of "What I do when i'm not beating queers with a crowbar," our favorite hate-monger regales us with not one but two versions of how he and his captive...er girlfriend Courtney hooked up and ended up in Tennessee. It's a sweet tale of love and sacrifice which conveniently does NOT include the part about how Grand Wizard Mickey and his hood-wearing clansmen abducted an unsuspecting Courtney from the lush beauty of the great state of Kentucky and dragged her, kicking and screaming mind you, to Tennessee. Read it if you want but Bacon Soup thinks it's a cover-up to a more sinister tale we've yet to get to the bottom of.

Someone stop him

Victim: Jacob the pompous windbag
Blog Title: doesn't really matter
Jacob says: blah blah blah blah blah blah beer blah blah blah blah Madagascar hissing cockroach blah blah blah blah blah who gives a fuck what the hell i think blah blah blah bacon soup totally rocks blah blah blah

Bacon Soup says: Jacob has way too much fuckin' time on his hands. We at Bacon Soup would like to read all the blogs we critique but Jacob's is just TOO FUCKIN' LONG. So Bacon Soup readers are encouraged to leave hateful comments on his site until he keeps his posts down to 50,000 words or less.

celeb encounter

Our friend Mike is a reporter in South Carolina and recently had to cover a Trace Adkins concert. He said the "Lonely Won't Leave Me Alone" singer and current Celebrity Apprentice contestant is a total "douche" and that he's very tall but skinny and his hair is long and grisly. Apparently he was very dismissive of our friend and did not endear himself to those allowed backstage to meet him.

Bacon Soup was very disappointed at this report from our credible source, especially since Trace is just the kind of guy we like at Bacon Soup. He's big and tall, wears a cowboy hat, drives a truck and looks like he can be a little rough in bed.

C'est la vie.

Like it or not, La Bacon is back

Bacon Soup is back. After a much-needed sojourn we have decided that we will not let our hatred for Mickey the Homophobic Bigot stop us from blogging. And now we don't care who we piss off. The purpose of Bacon Soup IS to piss people off so suck it up bitches.

And apparently while we were on sabbatical, you losers were typing up a fuckin' storm.

So here we go:

Victim: Mickey the homophobic bigot
Blog title: My girlfriend loves you more than me, but otherwise it was a good weekend
Mickey says: And Wii we did. Once our right arms were about to fall off, Courtney and I created bizarro Miis and played everything left-handed, the result being that now we each have a case of double Wii-arm. The really bad news is that I'm looking forward to going home and playing some more.

Bacon Soup says: When we left off months ago I believe the highlight of Mickey and Courtney's life was Wii. Now, months later it seems that the highlight of their otherwise uneventful lives is still Wii... albeit left-handed wii. Can someone just put these two out of their collective misery? We can either shoot them both or have Courtney have to sit and read 3 of Mickey's posts in a row. When she kills herself because of boredom then he will blame his colorless writing and hopefully take his own life which is pretty much in the shitter anyway.


Victim: Jacob the beer guzzling dork
Blog title: A Live Blog About a Live Blog

Bacon Soup says: You have got to be fuckin' kidding me. He's updating his blog every few minutes now? I think i would rather read Mickey the homophobic bigot's hate-filled drivel than a minute-by-minute update of jacob's wretched existence. But, whatever you need to fill the time between jerking off and cooking some fucked-up looking eggs is your own business i guess.

Victims: Meaghan and Chris
Blog title: What A Day
Meaghan says: Chris was outside working on the door he built for the crawl space. I helped a bit but ended up spending most of the day baby sitting the dogs.

Bacon Soup says: Wow. and i thought mountain-bitch mickey and just-discovered-video-game-technology Courtney had boring lives. But at least Meaghan and Chris are doing something constructive to their home. So i guess i can't be too hard on them. Although i don't know if the subject matter warranted a blog.

Victim: Loree .... and Mickey the homophic bigot by extension
Blog Title: I'm in the mood to gripe

Bacon Soup says: so what else is new? Let's see something mildly interesting on this blog for a change, Stark. Sure the renaming of frogs was a thrilling post by your co-blogger Laura. And how could we not swoon at your discovery of a Zappo's outlet in Shepherdsville, Kentucky. But spice it up a bit. Where's the sex? where's the scandal? You need to check out my former friend Mickey the Homophobic Bigot's blog. That's an example of what you DON'T want yours to look like. That fuckin' hate monger's stream-of-consciousness posts are ridiculously boring.

Lady in Red

Turning to fashion for a minute, Bacon Soup was pleasantly surprised to see a very elegant roundup of celebs on people.com in a rich recap called "Oscar's Most Iconic Red Dresses" in which they listed a few of the most beautiful and fashion-forward red frocks to grace the Oscar red carpet.

Though she has her detractors among Bacon Soupers, I have always thought that Nicole Kidman has impeccable posture (some of you may know that poor posture is a pet peeve of mine) and luminous skin which allow her to wear colorful gowns with long, lean silhouettes and make them look fantastic.

The photo of her to the right should bear the caption "Ladies and Gentlemen, THIS is how you wear a red dress." Her posture and poise really accentuate the beautiful lines of this Balenciaga gown.

Kidman is joined in the list by the likes of the lovely and talented Catherine Zeta-Jones (my personal favorite) who is the only celeb to make the list TWICE, both times in Versace. We also see a statuesque Kate Winslet and even surprise appearances by Minnie Driver and Sigourney Weaver.

Sadly, fashion MISTAKE Sandra Oh (whom i detest) also makes the list proving that the right stylist and publicist can make anyone look good. Even her.

Check out the photos at http://www.people.com/people/package/gallery/0,,20173526_20172732,00.html

Chris and the novel idea of a regular guy becoming president

Victim: Chris
Bog Title: If i were president

Bacon Soup says: Chris, the radical thinker that he is, has composed a post in which he considers what HE would do if he were president. How have none of US ever thought about that? In this revolutionary post, Mr. Marr cites some very important issues HE would address as Commander in Chief.

The first is THE ENVIRONMENT. Well fuck me. Why did no one EVER think about the environment before? Someone get Chris on the ballot. The man's got vision.

Then, in a statement powerful enough be considered the current-day Gettysburgh Address, the eloquent Mr. Marr says: "I suppose we've got to do something about health care."

The Environment AND Healthcare? Wow. It's like Chris is reading the minds of every American.... IN 1982 when these issues first started becoming the platform of EVERY POLITICAL CANDIDATE.

Chris, are you going to be at Ford's Theater or driving through Dallas in an open motorcade anytime soon? Just asking.

Scott and John.... where did we go wrong?

Hey Bacon Soupers, a couple tragic notes of interest. The first is that Scott Speedman, they guy who ushered me into adulthood from his perch as Ben on the hit WB show Felicity (on whose episodes i based all major life decisions for 2 years), is reportedly dating Cameron Diaz. We at Bacon Soup are extremely disappointed by this. We are not big fans of Cameron and hope that this is merely a publicity stunt for Speedman who can do WAAAAAY better.

I'm assuming Loree is the only person reading this that has any interest in Scott. She shared my affinity for him. For those of you who aren't aware, Speedman, a 33-year-old English-born Canadian actor is best known for his role as the soft-spoken and gentle Ben Covington on the coming-of-age television drama Felicity (also starring one Miss Kerri Russell). For those of you interested in Scott's current work (again, probably only me and Loree), his next film "Adoration" is in post.

Also on a sad note, John Edwards is expected to drop out of the presidential race today. I have been an Edwards enthusiast since college and would have liked to see what an administration under his leadership would have been capable of.

Your thoughts......

The brains behind the bush

If you thought our illustrious president, George W. Bush was a bungling idiot with the intelligence of a moderately trained chimpanzee. You're wrong.

All those 'bushisms' people make fun of are actually well thought-out speeches....

Wilderness adventure.... and Mickey the homophobic bigot

Yo yo yo Bacon Soupers, what the hell is up?

I thought i'd take a break from bashing Mickey the homophobic bigot and propose a little adventure. I think we should meet up at some wilderness location and have a great old time hiking, exploring and camping. The fallback plan is that we just go camping at our usual location........ And by fallback i mean this is probably what will end up happening anyway.

I just thought it would be cool to go somewhere different and explore the woods and creeks and hills and dales of our beloved Georgia. Doesn't matter where, just so long as i can go wandering around the wild for a little bit and come back to a warm fire and good friends and eat some delicious grub.

So what do you guys say? The weather's warming up a bit and even though most of your are pussies who are gonna say "it's too cold" I think we should do it soon. It could be somewhere that we could get to early on Saturday, spend the day exploring or doing some activity (other than throw rocks at trees which seems to get our neanderthal boys in quite a frenzy). Then we hunker down for a wild night of plunging our hands (and other body parts) into ice water and telling lurid tales from the past.

Oh, and we get to eat as much as we can.

Who's in? I'm sure even Mickey the homophobic bigot would back me up on this one. Oh, but don't worry Mickey, even though i'm gay i promise not to try to insert my penis into your anus while you're sleeping. Don't you just hate it when all "the homos" try to do that to you? Fuckin' queers.

by the way, that picture is totally not of somewhere in Georgia. It's Alaska. but i thought the breathtaking vista would inspire you guys to wanna get out and come adventuring with me.

homophobic prick

Victim: Mickey
Blog Title: So you’re breeding. What does that have to do with me, exactly?
Mickey says: The only good thing, if you want to call it that, was the favorable male-female ratio of approximately 25 to 1. Even when two other guys from this part of the building showed up, it didn't effectively alter that ratio, if you know what I mean. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Needless to say, I barely uttered a word the whole time because girls scare me, especially the procreating type.

Bacon Soup says: In his latest installment of "bitch, bitch, bitch.... Yellowstone, bitch, bitch, Mount McKinley, bitch" Mickey is, i believe, complaining about having to go to a baby shower or something at work. i wasn't really paying attention. Anyway, so halfway through it, he spews the above paragraph, implying that the undesirable ration of way more women to men was not made any better by the arrival of two guys "if you know what i mean."

Oh, i think we know what you mean, clever Mickey. That the men were gay or at the very least effeminate so their arrival was not a respite for you because it was just like having two more women join the group. we get it....... you're an ass.

oh, but he's NOT homophobic, everyone, because he makes sure to add "Not that there's anything wrong with that" after his little comment.

asshole.

Is patheti-sad a word?

Victims: Mickey and Courtney
Blog Title: Bonjour de La Plus Jolie Serveuse Denny's
Mickey says: The weekend went by Wii-free, once again. I'll get punched in the arm or worse later on for saying it, but Courtney's Great Wii Hunt of 2008 has become a source of amusement for me.

Bacon Soup says: Just when i thought these two losers couldn't get any more pathetic, they manage to reach a whole new low. Apparently Courtney is desparately seeking a Wii so she can become like all the other video game geeks and start flialing about her living room in front of the television screen while the corresponding digi-character mimics her movements in such thrilling escapades as bowling and golf.

But don't be too quick to judge her, Mickey. I'm sure if my significant other was hopelessly addicted to blogs and living vicariously through other people's experiences, I'd seek some sort of escape too. I mean, at this point i think it would just be easier for you two to make a pact and drink some bleach together but i guess getting sucked into the inescapable vortices of Wii and the internet is pretty much the same thing.

fuckin' losers.

"Greatness" my ass

Victim: Mickey
Blog Title: Fleeting contact with greatness
Mickey says: Dick Cheney- Dicks lives just outside Grand Teton National Park. Dick doesn't pay entrance fees to National Parks because Dick doesn't stop at entrance stations. Something about being a likely spot for an ambush. How true. Actually, Dick just sped by me in a convoy of black Suburbans. I know other folks who greeted Dick's "visits" by turning their backs, but I decided to just stoneface him under my ranger hat and shades. Dick.

Bacon Soup says: In this gem of a post, Mickey lists a number of people who he claims are the "celebrities" he's met. The list starts with Dick Cheney and goes down from there so you can imagine the D-listers he named. From Mr. Sandra Bullock, Jesse James to comedian Doug Stanhope, the list reads like a virtual who's who of Hollywood Squares or Celebrity Fit Club. And not even the usual C-list Hollywood Squares or Celebrity Fit Club, but the people who they call when Gary Coleman of "Different Strokes" or wrestler "Chyna" turn them down at the last minute. Yeah, those people.

The only person on the list I'd say was a REAL celebrity was Jeff Gordon. He's very popular, has thousands upon thousands of fans, is CURRENTLY WORKING and is easily recognizable. Plus he may one day father my children but that's beside the point. Other than ol' JG, however, the other names are pretty much unrecognizable. Let's just say we won't be seeing them on the red carpet at the Oscars anytime soon.

I can't believe Mickey started out the list with Dick Cheney. First of all, I would never actually acknowledged that i had come in contact with that man. Secondly, Mickey just saw him speed by in a caravan of SUVs. Does that even count? I guess i'll give that one to Mickey, though. He has so little else to live for.

But go ahead and read the post. It's entertaining if nothing else. Remember to leave nasty comments.

Another bacon sighting on the net

Hey kids, once again Bacon Soup - via its parent company Severo Avila - has made an auspicious appearance in a widely-read Blog.

Here's the mention courtesy of whateverhappenedtoschoolhouserock:

"She wrote back and said she had talked with one of my references (thanks again Sevy!)"

Click on the blog title to read the entire post. It's pretty lame... something about this weird couple in Northwest Georgia getting a new dog or something BUT then it makes a reference to me, Severo Avila. It's very exciting. Check it out.

Reel beauty vs. Real beauty

It is in our nature to be fascinated by - and drawn to - beauty. I read an article recently that analyzed the changes hollywood has gone through to reflect the changing standards of beauty. Sexist though it may be, women have always been held to a higher standard of beauty than men have.

Aesthetic beauty is subjective, i suppose. But for their age, i have always felt that Catherine Zeta Jones, Sophia Loren and Catherine Deneuve are among some of Hollywood's most enduring beauties. Loren is 74 and Deneuve 65. And while Zeta-Jones is only 40 I think that she has managed to set herself apart from her contemporaries simply by embracing her figure at a time when Hollywood would prefer that she slim down and have things nipped and tucked. Her photo is of the October 2007 issue of Japanese Bazaar. I think for 40 she looks incredible. The photos of Loren and Deneuve are also recent. Of course in their primes, all three were stunning. But even now they maintain a glow and confidence that gives an air of elegance which I find incredibly attractive in a woman.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that since i view the female body differently than many of my male counterparts, i think i can appreciate things about these women that some men cannot.

I don't like to use the terms "healthy-looking" or "unhealthy-looking" anymore because who am i to say someone looks unhealthy? I'll just say that while some men appreciate the thin and svelte, i feel a more solid silhouette is more attractive. I prefer the more statuesque to the slim and a little fuller figure to the slight.

But here's to beauty in all its forms.

your thoughts ......

I guess to a geek it's like winning the superbowl

Victim: Jacob the beer guzzling dork
Blog Title: Middle School Domination: Or, Suck It Beeyotch!
Jacob says: Near the end of the competition, I started to relax, but by that time, my group's point total was unreachable. The final score was something like a googeplex to three or something. I was that good. I had nearly single-mindedly (and single-thumbedly!) led our team to a come-from-behind Olympic win....

Bacon Soup says: I believe we've hit the motherload with this one. Thank you anonymous source for pointing out Jacob's post today. First off, he uses the word i've previously reprimanded Courtney for using - "beeyotch". I think this is a really really stupid word that no educated person should use, but let's get to the heart of the matter.

In this post, Jacob reminisces about a middle school victory in some little academic bowl or mathletic competition or something. It's not even a recent event or something current that he can brag about. He has to reach back all the way to middle school to find something that will make is wretched existence seem less like an abysmal failure that it has become. No offense, Jacob.
The sad part is he's been clutching to this one moment of victory for 20 years......My God, that's incredibly sad.

The "meat" of the post, as he calls it, is Jacob's memory of he and his little red-headed nerd friend Hank's bitter mental rivalry. Anyway, so apparently Jacob uses his mighty intellect to single-handedly and triumphantly lead his middle school team of glasses-wearing, Jordash jeans-sporting, library card-carrying, band camp-attending uber-geeks to victory.

Again, from his description of the event, Jacob clearly holds this as the highlight of his life. The post is a must read simply because it puts everything that Jacob is and does into perspective.

Please read his post and leave nasty comments.

the importance of new underwear

boys are suckers for nice underwear. long story short i used a Gap gift certificate to buy some new square-cut boxer briefs which cost 10 bucks each because i'm jumping back into the dating pool after laying out for too long and watching everyone else diving in and having fun. So i figured if i'm gonna start dating, i need new, nice underwear. So i buy some and they work like a charm.

I would think that guys just want to get you OUT of your underwear as quickly as they can but apprently some actually appreciate cute underwear and even comment on it.

who knew?

Snooze

Victim: Mickey
Blog Title: Support your local hipsters
Mickey says: (insert boring, pedantic drivel here)

Bacon Soup says: Mickey's latest post had me falling asleep in about 5 sentences. I think it was about him buying CDs at his local record store. It's a real winner. Apparently independent record stores are a dying breed and we should all support them.

Tell me something I don't know, Mickey, instead of taking up my valuable porn-downloading time with your ramblings. Apart from his use of three of my favorite words: implode, mainstream and khakis, the post is pretty much a bore. Don't bother reading it. And when you DO read it, post a really nasty comment.

scandalous lies

Victim: Jacob the beer-guzzling dork
Blog Title: Spawn of Stan
Jacob says: Actually it's the spawn of Keith Urban, but since I think Nicole Kidman is the source of all evil (have you actually looked into her eyes, they're portals to hell I tell you!), I prefer to refer to her child as the spawn of Satan. And since I find referring to Satan as Stan hilarious, we'll stick with Spawn of Stan as the title for this here piece.

Bacon Soup says: Let me say for the record that Jacob is one of those idiots who has NEVER met Nicole Kidman but because of the way she's portrayed by the tabloids, he hates her and thinks she's the "source of all evil" as he so eloquently puts it. Although many, many people share his feelings i'm going to go out on a limb and say that having never met her i'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she's actually probably a very nice person.

1. She agreed to enter into a sham marriage with Tom Cruise to help him disguise his homosexuality and continue to get leading roles in major films.
2. She, along with Cruise, adopted two children who by all reports have been brought up way more level-headed than other celebrity kids.
3. She has married and stuck by an australian country singer/alcoholic when she could obviously do a lot better.
4. She has exquisite skin and wears Carolina Herrera like nobody's business.

All these things lead me to believe that Miss Kidman could perhaps be a very intelligent, personable individual.

So before you jump on the "Nicole Kidman is evil bandwagon" with that fuckin' idiot Jacob simply because he posted an unflattering picture of her on his blog, please stop to consider that he might just be jealous of her beauty and celebrity.

the bitch is crazy

Victim: Courtney
Blog title: Playing Hookey
Courtney says:
Angel: Get up! You're okay, just a little sniffly.
Devil: Dude, stay in bed. You're sick.
Angel: But you have to print out time sheets!Devil: Screw the time sheets! You can stay in your pajamas and watch The Office on DVD all day!Angel: What if someone finds out you're not really all that sick?
Devil: Who cares? You hate your job anyway! And you have like 100 hours of sick time built up that will just disappear after you quit anyway!
Angel: Fine. At least try to sound congested when you call in.

Bacon Soup: In the latest installment of "things courtney says that make me wanna slit my wrist," she details a conversation between her "Angel" and her "Devil." In what appears to be a delusional episode by someone who clearly is suffering from multiple personality disorder, Courtney details the moral quandry she experiences after calling in sick to work. And she doesn't even paraphrase either. She gives us word-for-word transcript of the alleged conversation by two voices she's hearing in her head.

Listen Sybill, the next time you regale us with a quoted conversation by imaginary voices, at least make it more exciting and dramatic. Why can't your voices tell you to do more intersting things like burn shit or kill people?

Chris and Kiki has a nice ring to it

Victim: Meaghan
Blog Title: Oh Christopher!
meaghan says: Over the past few months of blogging, I have noticed a pattern in the friends my husband acquired in college who now keep up with him through the blogosphere. I believe they may all want to bed him.

Bacon soup says: First of all Meaghan, as incredulous as you may be at hearing this, not everyone wants to "bed" your husband. I think Chris is a cool guy but i don't know that i wanna actually have sex with him. I mean sure i'll make out with him and maybe allow a little over the sweater action but that's as far as it'll go.

Anyway, after this opening paragraph, Meaghan proceeds to complain about the fact that Chris' dork friends are demanding more posts from him. So she tries to warn them that if they don't stop, Chris will get a big head and she'll be forced to take him down a notch through verbal abuse. I personally think Meaghan is just jealous that the world is clamoring for more posts by Chris Marr. Deal with it Meaghan. You just can't handle the fact that Chris is more successful than you are. Let's face it. In every relationship, there are always those people who's light shines a little more brightly than their partner's. Bacon Soup's advice to Mrs. Marr? Hitch your wagon to Chris' star and ride it out. Bask in his reflected glory for as long as you can until - months from now when he's a blogging celebrity and giddy with E-fame - he goes through a midlife crisis, buys a Beamer and dumps you for a trophy wife named Kiki.

Learn to cook by listening to Jacob

Victim: Jacob

Blog title(s): How to Cook Part I and II

Bacon Soup says: Fountain-of-all-knowledge-Jacob has once again regaled us with a deluge of pointless information. This time it's about how YOU can cook like HIM. And let me tell you, forget what you know about eggs cause Jacob rewrites the cookbook on them.

Not only does he take pictuers of his "creations" ... and by creations i mean fried eggs.... but he also compares the eggs he gets from HIS chickens to the ones sold at the grocery store. It's VERY exciting.

The highlight of the blog is a series of wonderful pictures, my favorite of which is what your eggs are supposed to look like after you cook them. Needless to say they look like shit. I can't believe Jacob puts that stuff into his body. Oh well, to each his own.

Bon Appetit y'all!!!!

discrediting courtney's resolutions

Victim: Conformity Courtney
Blog Title: The Requisite Resolutions Post

Little Courtney has gone out on a limb and followed millions upon millions of people worldwide who make a list of new year's resolutions. In this post i will attempt to discredit all of them and show Courtney that she should be like me and wallow in listlessness, sloth and gluttony for the coming year, abandoning all hope of actually improving one's station in life.

1. Exercise more - oh God, here we go. Yet another resolution to stay healthy and fit. For ONCE i'd like someone to be honest and say "you know what? i'm going to eat like a pig this year, disregard my figure and general health and pretty much just let myself go. Then, if there's a big event i have to look presentable for, i'll just make myself throw up." WELL THAT's MY RESOLUTION.

2. Get into the Ph.D. program at UT - Education is for losers. Look where a master's degree got me? Fuck school. You've got a pretty face, a nice rack and an ass that would make a long distance truck driver cry in his panties. Do you know how much money you could be making at the Kitty Kat Club? Not to mention tips from working the VIP room. Just think about it.

3. Learn a foreign language - Here's a tip Courtney, you're in America. We speak AMERICAN. If Manuel and Pablo can't communicate with you that's THEIR problem, not yours. And if that lack of ability to communicate with your landscapers makes you feel guilty. just call immigration. Those two will be on the next Air Guacamole flight back to Cucarachaville before you can say "These colors don't run." Problem solved. Comprende?

4. Keep the blog momentum going - yes. For the love of God, please keep the blog going. We wouldn't want Mickey to have a fuckin' anxiety attack because his favorite blogs aren't updated every 14 minutes.

5. Do some charitable and/or volunteer work at least once - Who are you? Mother Teresa? I say let the poor and homeless die. It's God's way of thinning out the herd. They serve no purpose in our society ... not unlike orphans and the gays.

6. Get rid of the toxic cleaning products in my house forever - get rid of toxic cleaning products? but what are you going put in the warm milk when the stray kittens come around the house? or in mickey's soup when you decide that because of that new life insurance policy he took out, he's worth more to you dead than alive? I'm just saying....